The Blindside: Protecting the Tuohy Oher Family

Every family has disagreements.

If you have parented teenagers, you know that conflict can happen more than once per day. Families at all stages of life encounter friction. Unfortunately, some families have disagreements so intense they don’t speak for weeks, months, or even years. The good news for those families is that most of those disagreements take place in relative privacy.

But for Sean and Leigh Anne Tuohy and their adopted son, (or maybe not adopted son,) Michael Oher, retired NFL lineman and subject of the movie The Blindside, a simmering family feud has boiled over in front of an international audience.

In a Shelby County Probate Court filing, Michael Oher alleges that the Tuohys never actually adopted him and conned him into signing a conservatorship document when he turned 18 that gave the Tuohys the right to enter into monetary arrangements involving his name, image, and likeness. He also alleges that Sean and Leigh Anne Tuohy and their biological children received compensation from The Blindside movie, but that he never received anything.

The Tuohys deny his claims, and Sean Tuohy says that the conservatorship was established to appease the NCAA who was investigating Ole Miss after Michael Oher committed to play there. Ole Miss is the alma mater of Sean and Leanne Tuohy who are prominent alumnae of the university.

Sean Tuohy said one other thing:

“We’re devastated. It’s upsetting to think we would make money off any of our children. But we’re going to love Michael at 37 just like we loved him at 16.”

A Two-Way Street

If this last sentence is true, and I have no reason to believe it’s not, then there is hope for the family and the relationship between the Tuohys and Oher. Apparently, love between the Tuohys and Oher was not a “one way street.” Oher apparently loved them too and maybe he still does.  As evidence, there is the iconic photo of Oher on Senior Day at Ole Miss flanked by Sean and Leigh Anne Tuohy, and all three are beaming with pride. Even more telling are the comments to ESPN from J. Gerard Stranch, Oher’s Nashville attorney:

“Mike didn’t grow up with a stable family life,” Stranch said. “When the Tuohy family told Mike they loved him and wanted to adopt him, it filled a void that had been with him his entire life. Discovering that he wasn’t actually adopted devastated Mike and wounded him deeply.”

One of the keys to any successful negotiation is for the parties to find common ground. I’m not talking about negotiating a legal settlement, but the basis on which the family relationship can be restored. In this situation, the common ground may be a genuine love for one another that exists or existed in the not too distant past.

Apologies > Pride

With 4 children between the ages of 23 and 17, I have seen my share of “knock down drag outs” over far less than the issues seemingly at the center of the Tuohy/Oher dispute. In these instances, the common ground is an authentic love for each other, but that just prevents one of the siblings from plotting the demise of the other. The hard work is in coming to a place where they can truly forgive one another.

We’re a pride-filled bunch in the Carpenter household. We all know that it goes before the fall, and yet we persist. When the kids were young, we taught them to not just say, “I’m sorry,” but to say, “I’m sorry. I was wrong to (fill in the offense.)” The idea was to teach them to acknowledge that their actions or words had caused harm and to take responsibility for them. Now that they are semi-adults, I tell them if they ever become estranged from one another, I will haunt them from the grave, so they need to apologize to whichever sibling they wronged.

Seriously, apologizing is hard for most people. What is even harder is apologizing when you are the aggrieved party. It is against our nature to say “sorry” when we are certain that we acted in good faith and with integrity. When it comes to healing, though, grown-ups understand that apologies are sometimes necessary to preserve relationships even at the expense of your pride or reputation.

Prayer for Reconciliation

No one knows all the details of the Oher/Tuohy relationship. We don’t know if both sides acted in good faith, and this is just a big misunderstanding, or if there is sufficient blame to go around. However, if the relationship is what is most important to them, then someone must be the first to say, “I’m sorry. I was wrong,” even if the “wrong” is only a perceived one.

With love as a foundation and a sincere apology from at least one party, there is a chance for forgiveness and ultimately reconciliation. Based on recent and past news reports, there has been tension for at least several years. Numerous reports recount that Oher was unhappy with the way he was portrayed in the movie, for example. Then there are the everyday ways we slight and offend the people we love to which no family, including the Tuohys, are immune. Yesterday’s filing by Oher’s legal team may just be the proverbial “straw.”

Literally, as I wrote the previous paragraph a news alert lit up my phone. The breaking news is a statement from the Tuohys and their legal team calling Oher’s filing a “shakedown” among other things. They also say they are “heartbroken” and are willing to “reconcile,” but ratcheting up the rhetoric will only make reconciliation more difficult.

At almost 53, my children have reached the age where they are naturally and appropriately pulling away from my wife and me and beginning to make their place in this world. As that transition occurs, I know now, more than ever, that the comfort, security, and satisfaction one gains from money, power, and reputation is trivial compared to time spent with the ones you love.

I don’t judge the Tuohys or Mr. Oher. I don’t know them or the details of their story. I know the image of them portrayed in The Blindside, which brought joy, hope, and inspiration to so many. While I know, Hollywood took liberties with the story, if their family, including Michael Oher, was even a little like the Tuohys of the “big screen,” it is my prayer that they can be again – for them and for us.